Hate it!

I just need to let some steam, or hate or whatever you want to call it out. Hate for something that has to completely control my body and life - what I wouldn't give to be able to have one day, just one day, or a whole life, that would be nice, where I didn't have to worry about what my bloodsugars are, or to have to know that my being alive is dependent on a little vial of liquid. Or hey wouldn't it be great to just go and eat something without having to count carbs and punch numbers into my "pancreas" which would be really great to not have attach to me 24/7 either. I wonder how many kids we would have by now if I didn't have diabetes? I hate it. I try not to let it run my life, but its a little hard to have it not to because it is a constant, never ending, always there thing. An always there, and will never go away thing, wow I have SO much to look forward to. I know I am complaining alot and I appologize for that, but I just have to let it out, shed a couple tears and then get on with my life. I guess I am just a little scared too, so far I haven't ever had any major problems, but now I have to go on thyroid medicine and it just feels horrible I am not even stinking 30 yet. My doc said that it is normal though for a person that has had diabetes as long as I have to have to go on this medicine, because after 24 years of it your body just starts to wear out. Great so what's it going to be like in another 10 years? I want to do everything that I can to keep myself healthy but I am just so burned out. I have to take this as a wake up call and do better than I am now. I have to stop slipping into my old, bad habits. But even then who is to say something isn't going to happen, like today, my site fell out and I didn't even feel it, until I started feeling really sick and finally figure out that it came out, for I don't even know how many hours. So instead of doing more packing like I was planning I ended up on the couch for a couple hours, waiting to get to the point where I finally had enough energy to get up again. And what if I was pregnant right now?!?!? That would have been so bad - I don't know if I can even handle trying to have a baby, there is just so much risk, for the baby, and for me. And seriously do I really want to pass it on? The chances are even higher for me though because the more siblings you have that have diabetes the higher the chances are that your child(ren) will get it too... and I am at 3 siblings and counting that have it now. Four of us, that is like a guarenteed diagnosis for the kids, if we do ever have any. I don't want to make that choice for someone, and to be honest I don't know if I could ever be able to take care of me and a little one that has it too... I can't even take care of myself, I just don't think that I can do it. Josh thinks I can though, I try to explain to him, but I don't know if he completely understands my concerns and fears. But he loves me anyways, even if I can't give him a child, he still wants me and still loves me, I don't deserve him.
Well, believe it or not I do feel a little better, its not usually this bad, I just had a bad night tonight, but I will push on because I have to, and believe it or not I do want to.